Hi everyone,

I’ve missed all of you. And, I know my lack of posting does not prove this. I know you don’t have to believe me, and I don’t blame you if you don’t. But, I hope you will trust me when I say…I MISS YOU A WHOLE BIG, WHOLE BUNCH, WHOLE LOT!!!

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. A couple of months now. Well, actually it’s been nearly 2 full months since I’ve made a card for my blog. Wait, I think it’s been longer. The last card I posted was hot & cheeky and the one prior to that was Dad’s Birthday card. I haven’t had much inspiration or gumption to create. Each time I’ve walked into my studio, I did an about-face and walked right back out again.

Today is the first day that I’ve spent any time in there at all since dad’s birthday on June 7th. It seems it became the collect-all room for things I just didn’t want to deal with at the time. But, I have managed to get in there and tidy it up a bit. At least enough to create some work space.

I did a quick card for my son’s birthday which was on July 18th. My boyfriend created a caricature of my son, and then I mounted it with a few layers. But, I have not been in my studio since or any kind of regular basis. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from my studio most times. The last couple of months have truly been hard for me. Even now as I write this post, tears are forming while thinking about Dad and how much I truly miss him. I know the memories are there. And, I will treasure every one of them. But, they just don’t compare to Dad being here in the flesh walking, talking, sharing, laughing, yelling, making-me-go-crazy! And, yet somehow, someway I’ve managed to move on, the sun rises and sets, the rain falls and life keeps plodding along. Time does not stop for those of us who have had someone dear slip silently away.

I wouldn’t say I’m in a deep depression. I would say it’s an honest-to-goodness deep sadness. Then again, it’s not every day either. Some days, I do just fine. Others – it’s like a brick wall has fallen on me and I can’t seem to wriggle out from under it.

God is good and has given me strength to muddle through those days. I have a group of wonderful friends and family who keep sharing and caring. I am so grateful for them. They keep me going and moving. As the eldest daughter sometimes I’ve felt I’ve  had to be strong for others. My thinking has been…It’s my duty to help my other siblings through their grief.

But, I’ve come to learn – it’s not about that.  In fact, it’s been just the opposite. It’s been about everyone pulling together and finding the strength through each other as opposed to alone. This is the first death I’ve experienced this close to me. Yes, I’ve had grandparents pass on. But, I was never very close to them. We all lived quite a distance from one another when I was a child (on both sides of the family). All my siblings are still here (Praise God!). I was unable to make it to my dad’s sister’s funeral due to lack of funds. But, again, I was not close to her. At least not as much as I would have liked to have been. She was my favorite aunt.  Truth be told she was my only aunt between my parents. My mother was a single child.  The only other death I’ve experienced was my brother’s ex-wife. And, although I mourned for her I was never super close to her. So, with this in mind, it has been difficult to push through all of this. Couple it with the fact that it is a parent I’ve lost and it just seems surreal at times. There are days when I just don’t believe it. And, yet in my heart-of-hearts I know it’s true.

Personally, I’ve wanted to be alone on several occasions. But, each time I try to be alone in my grief, God manages to find someone to call me, email me, IM me, stop by, or He shoves me out the door to go elsewhere! He truly is the healer of one’s heart. And, he does not put on us, more than we can bare. And, although my heart has been given this burden of grief, God manages to show me joy through a baby’s laugh, or the love of an animal, the sunsets He paints in the sky. He is an awesome God.

This journey has been a real eye opening experience for me in so many ways. I’ll share more of it with you as time goes on. I just want to say that although this has been truly tough for me, I have more awareness of life in general. I have more understanding about the things that are truly important in life. And, that is family and friends that I love and cherish. But, I have also been guilty of not telling them enough. So, that is my new goal in life these days. To let those I love and cherish know how much they mean to me and how much I truly care about them. I hope I haven’t babbled on to much. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a truly divine day. Keep the sunshine in your hearts.

God bless you if you still check to see if I am here these days.

Yours in stamping,

Sazzy

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